I have a sort of love-hate relationship with Eurovision song contest. On the one hand, it introduces me to a lot of nice songs from other countries that I wouldn't have heard of otherwise. On the other hand, these good songs almost never win, because people generally seem to vote for the really crappy, generic europop songs rather than the actually unique ones.
This year there was actually a number of pretty good songs, but as expected, the only couple of songs that I genuinely disliked (one of which featured a singer who sounded kinda tonedeaf, but I won't name any names) got a lot more points than some of my favorites. I didn't hate the winning song from Sweden, but to be completely honest I didn't think it really deserved to win either, it was pretty generic, though the Swedish stageshow was really cool. I suspect if they only played the songs without any stage show, the votes might be quite different.
So, to vent out the annual annoyance that comes with Eurovision, I will write this list of "rules" for Eurovision.
1. 90% of the songs in Eurovision must be either ultra generic europop or techno. The other 10% can be any genre from opera to heavy metal to jazz, but these 10% won't get any votes.
2. Eastern Europe only votes for eastern Europe.
3. Southern Europe only votes for southern Europe.
4. The Nordics always give each other points, except for Sweden which will never give any of the other Nordics points.
5. Sweden treats Eurovision like a religion, and will throw a temper tantrum and threaten to boicott if they don't make it to the finals, and if they win the contest, Swedish media will become impossibly arrogant until the next Eurovision song contest.
6. The UK can only send in an interesting song twice a decade. The rest of their songs must be generic europop sung by people who smile so much it's almost scary.
7. Half of Norway's entries must contain violins.
8. Finland used to be the one cool country that would send in rock music, but their spirit has been crushed in the recent years. Now it's all europop. ONE OF US, ONE OF US! REMOVE ALL INDIVIDUALITY! ONLY EUROPOP, SCREW ALL OTHER GENRES!!!11
9. Germany's songs will always be oddly American-sounding. Expect a lot of rockabilly and old-timey jazz music. This is also most likely the reason why they almost never win; not enough generic europop.
10. Iceland will almost always send in techno. They know how the Eurovision works, they know techno and europop always wins, and they wanna win for once, goddammit!
10. Australia is oddly obsessed with Eurovision despite not being allowed to compete until this year.
11. The hosting country will usually not feature anything folk-related from their country, but will still be impossibly self-centered and act like this city in some tiny middle-of-nowhere European country is the dream destination of the entire world. Bonus points if the average European couldn't even find this country on a map.
12. The people who give out votes must be bleached blonde, have an insanely deep cleavage, too much makeup and talk like a squirrel with ADHD. Bonus points if they're former Eurovision contestants who awkwardly start to sing their own songs when they're supposed to be giving out points.
13. The most unique songs will almost always get the least votes. The most generic, low quality crap in the contest will always been in the top 10.
14. Southern and eastern Europe must have at least half their songs involve half-naked women spreading their legs, swinging around stripper poles and dry-humping the singer, and this will be mistaken for dancing.
15. Greece must always feature singers wearing white clothing.
16. Israel isn't a part of Europe, but they're still somehow in Eurovision.
17. The only countries singing in their own language are the southern European and eastern European ones. Why? No freaking clue, I guess the rest of us just hate the sound of our own languages or something.
18. Eurovision contestants will always try the emulate the previous year's winner. After Lordi won, suddenly everyone were sending in rock music (incidentally my favorite year of Eurovision, can you guess why?), after Alexander Rybak won, everyone were sending in violin music, and after Conchita Wurst won, this year it was all about acceptance of people who are different.
19. Stage show matters more than the actual song. You can have a completely shit song, but if the stage show is impressive or the singer is hot, people will vote for them even if they're completely tonedeaf.
20. Eurovision song contest causes anger issues.